Anne Heck

Compassionate Mother

I've been working for over a year on this dear one -- I pick her up and dream with her, then lay her down for a time.  

Her skirt is made of layered bright cottons with alternating layers scallop-beaded on the edge.  Her scarf is hand-knitted with mohair and some glitzy art yarn.  Her face is paper clay covered with cheese cloth and painted with acrylics. Her hair is wool roving.

She's required some inner work on my part for which I'm very grateful.  She came first in a vision.  I've journaled with her and have appreciated her teachings about being gentle with myself, about knowing my truth and trusting my inner voice and about being present with what is.

I recently completed her  (though I already sense another stage to her development).  Her completion came just before attending my 4th level of training for Healing Touch; her presence there was powerful and deeply healing.

This one I hold close to my heart and I'm looking forward to our walk together.

She Who Shines

I participated in vision quest in mid-August; here I spent 4 days and 4 nights on a mountain without food and water.  My experience is not easily put into words.  What I can share is that this experience touched me more deeply than I anticipated and kindled in me much greater self-trust.

In preparing for quest, I was inspired to create a doll as a gift for my teacher who supported me in such a good way.  As I played with her coming into form, she began to whisper to me that she was an expression of my light, and her name became "She Who Shines Her Inner Light."

Her presence is strong and full, her belly bulging with a sense of self.  She stands tall and opens her arms to embrace all that is. 

There was a sweetness in gifting her to my teacher as I felt I was sharing with her the gifts she had given me with her loving support.  I have deep gratitude for the ceremony of quest, for the way it opens us to infinite possibility and for the strength and resolve of our inner light.

Lightness of Being

My doll-making journey has paralleled my recent musings on the feminine.  One of my latest creations has brought me messages about the mystique and beauty of being female.  Her name is 'Cinder' and as may be apparent by her photos, she's very perceptive while being a tad mischievous.  Cinder came to me after I visited the darkness of my scapegoat and I'm still reveling in her lightness of being.

Cinder is teaching me the value of staying light, of not taking myself too seriously, of dancing to the mood of the moment and being playful.  Part of what she's here to teach me is how to fly.  Interestingly, her wings have gone through several iterations and she tells me they're still not quite ready for take-off.  I'll revisit this when the timing is right.

Meanwhile, another doll is coming through to support me in balancing my masculine and feminine aspects  -- the Compassionate Mother.  This one is taking time and patience and I feel her overflowing with light and love.  Stay tuned!

Solstice Reflection

Dollmaking continues for me and they're coming in all sizes and shapes.  What's more, those that are appearing feel light - a perfect match for winter solstice. 

This little woodland fairy was inspired by the work of Salley Mavor.  I made a little cotton draw-string bag for her to live in and gifted her to my friend Miriam who runs Drum Song Sanctuary in Chapel Hill, NC.  Last week, I drove to Drum Song to take part in an Arapaho Sweat Lodge Ceremony. This ceremony is one for cleansing through sweat and prayer; it gave me an opportunity to be clear about what I'm no longer wanting to carry.

Cleansing seems to go hand-in-hand with this solstice time of the sun's rebirth.  I watched the sun rise this morning and stated my gratitude for new beginnings.

Cleansing is also in sync with my desire to create  -- to put outside of me that which desires to come out.  And my creative urges seems to deepen in proportion to the depth of cold that surrounds me.  We had a winter reprieve this past week with some near-70 days and I was out on the hiking trails, but as old man winter came knocking this morning, I felt myself drawn back into journal pages and fabric swatches.

Curiosity Abounds

This fall is full of new beginnings.  My youngest has begun kindergarten and as we've been together since her birth, this parting has brought about big changes to my days.  For the first time in 9 years (since the birth of my first child) I have consistent time to follow my heart.  Much of my time right now is filled with doll making which brings me lots of joy.

In addition, I gave up a piece of my identity this summer.  Realizing that the survivor story no longer resonated with me, I felt a real need to lay it down.  This may seem like a small act, but it's changed my perception of who I am and has opened me up to many possibilities.   As well, it's brought about a wonderful curiosity about what each moment has to offer and I find myself feeling giddy at times with the surprises that come my way.

So, I'm in a refreshing place -- one full of wonder and possibility and a lightness of being.  A friend told me this week that she feels my fairy friends are weaving magic to herald this new beginning in my life.  This feels true for me.

These are photos of one of my newest buddies (design inspired by Sarah Jones) . This one is innately curious and has some things to teach me about the wonder of each moment.  I haven't yet gotten its name, but it sits on my desk and definitely has a knack for keeping me light.

A Visit from the Fairy Realm

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been participating in Barb Kobe’s Medicine Doll Journey in which I’ve created dolls to facilitate my healing.  This experience has offered some profound opportunities for growth as I’ve worked through several iterations of my scapegoat doll and finally reached the depths of my fear.

The next portion of Barb’s process is about creating a talisman that personifies the strengths that I wish to walk forward with.  I’ve done some journaling and sketches, but this one has not fully  materialized.  Instead, what has come is a visit from fairies . . . so I’m indulging in bringing these beings to life.

My first fairy was in the fashion of Salley Mavor and was both easy and fun to create.  Her form is from a pipe cleaner wrapped with embroidery floss, clothes from felt that is hand-embroidered and wings and skirt from silk flower petals.  Her hat, of course, is an acorn top.

I've not done extensive journaling with this one.  What I do get is that the fairy's message is about the importance of lightheartedness.  I have lots of gratitude for the joy I experience as I bring these beings to life.

Embracing the Fear

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live. ~ Dorothy Thompson

I've been sitting with my Scapegoat doll - Fear - for nearly a month now and have developed a deep gratitude for her presence in my life.  As she whispers to me, I let her know that I'm listening, and that I'm taking care of her.  She's helped me significantly in my ability to discern my inner voices and to know with clarity when fear is wanting to control my actions.

What I've realized is the depth with which she operated my life.  The overwhelming fear that I experienced in being beaten was internalized for many years, and only after my case was brought to court 4 years ago did I begin to loosen my armor and allow my emotion to emerge.

I'm amazed at the ease and peacefulness that I'm experiencing now.  Granted, I still have much to heal, but it's been enormously freeing to get this piece up and out and to know that she - Fear - is not who I am.

I'm grateful for having a relationship with Fear, rather than identifying with and acting out of it. 

I embrace this one for the gifts she has offered on my journey

Fear Exposed

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.  ~ Marie Curie

I've just completed my Scapegoat as part of Barb Kobe's Medicine Doll Journey.  This portion of the process is about making a doll that symbolizes your pain and offers you an opportunity to embrace your struggle.

It's been challenging for me to do this piece.  What came up first in my journaling process was a feeling of shame and emptiness;  I made a scapegoat based on these feelings as well as some of my sketches and I posted it in February.

But then I dreamed another doll which was, I feel, a deeper dimension of my first scapegoat; it was filled with fear.  So, for the past 3 weeks, I've been purging these feelings through my hands to create this Scapegoat. 

I've been sitting and journaling with her for a couple days and am developing a deep compassion for her. 

I feel she embodies the terror I felt upon being beaten and raped.  Her arms are bound, her legs are liquid -- as if she doesn't quite possess them. 

As I've brought this one into form, I've had the opportunity to look fear in the face and to understand so much of my experience over the past 18 years. All good and very rich, just not where I choose to become stagnate. 

I'm especially grateful for releasing this fear and for the gentleness of this medicine doll journey.

Scapegoat Complete

I've been laboring over my Scapegoat doll for 2 weeks now -- journaling, sketching pictures, feeling really uncomfortable with the process, losing sleep, spinning my wheels.  And I've  completed her.  She's nowhere near eye-candy, but I connect with her in a deep, heart-felt way. 

This week I discovered a part of me that feels it's been frozen for years.  At age 26, I had a perception of being invincible and all being well -- I really trusted life's process, albeit in a naive way.   When I was raped, my sense of true joy and freedom became unreachable -- hidden behind my fear of experiencing pain again.

My scapegoat is named is Mesh Mess. The interplay of empty and full have been ever-present in this process.  The wire mesh represents my feeling of missing out on being able to hold any essence of fullness -- it's my feeling of emptiness.  I've made a smiling mask on half of the face to show my exterior mirage of all being joyful - full of life, while my interior landscape is that of unworthiness, lack and shame.  I whisked some paint onto the mesh in colors that felt appropriate and I stamped words on clay, fired them and glued them to the mesh surface.

She does seem a mess and yet has already shown me that she's really just needing love and compassion.  This is not a doll I'd hold as the wire mesh is very prickly and hurts my hands, but I'm certainly connecting with her through my heart.

Yesterday morning I journaled with her and she sent me this poem:

Playmates

Emptiness and Fullness came together for a day.
Bleak, silent void of Empty did not know what to say.
Overflowing with abundance, Full grabbed Empty by the hand;
And led her off to play in her imaginary land.

Drained of joyful emotion, Empty sat down in her path.
This, of course, seemed funny and Full began to laugh.
Tears welled up in Empty's eyes; her chest began to heave.
So Full sat down beside her, allowing her to grieve.

Full held Empty in her arms, watched the tears that had no end.
Then she realized the irony she saw within her friend.
Why, Empty wasn't empty, she was really FULL of tears,
And just needed to express the pain she'd held for all these years.

And she needed Full's compassion at this time when all seemed bleak.
So Full held Empty close and wiped her teary cheek.
At this moment, Empty melted in the kindness she received
And found that she could feel not so heavily aggrieved.

This healing moment gifted Empty with a valuable life tool
And it helped her to know that she too could feel full.
The sad unworthy feelings Empty now could rise above
Because she was connected with what she knew was love.

Come the Crows

My guardian doll has been hanging on my wall overlooking my process and my creative space.  I have had challenges, however, moving forward with my scapegoat doll as I follow Barb's curriculum. 

This is a rich and powerful process and I'm in the midst of examining the value of creating a doll to hold all these numbing emotions. 

In the midst of it, the crows arrived to remind me of the magic and how to be light.  I had a wonderful time making them; they're propped in the window by my sewing machine, laughing -- and encouraging me to do the same.

Lemniscate and Life

One of the things I've been looking at as I walk this healing path is the way in which my world mirrors what is happening within me.  I have known this for some time on an intellectual level, but my experience so magnifies this magic that I felt it deserved sharing. 

For the years following my rape, I was determined to return to a place of balance and ease -- like what I perceived life to be before my misfortune.  To cope with the post-traumatic stress and other physical challenges, I painfully willed my way through them, observing them as a hindrance, not part of who I was -- and shaming myself for even having these experiences as part of my existence.  I didn't want to identify at all with pain and suffering, so I rarely spoke of it, except with doctors and healers who were there to help me.

I remember an acupuncturist who had worked on me for over a year and had seen a side of me that I didn't reveal to others.  She said to me that if I ever allowed the tears to flow, they would likely do so for quite some time.  I was so fearful of this that I vowed to myself I would never let this occur in this lifetime.  My view of expressing this depth and breadth of emotion was that of weakness.

I've learned over the past 6 months to finally embrace my pain, to show myself true compassion and to allow the river of tears to flow.  And it hasn't been the horrible experience I had perceived, rather it has created within me a place of depth and richness where love flows more freely.  And my world is more gentle and kind and full of textures and colors I don't remember experiencing this way before.

I see the balance of life -- the way in which my allowing the release of emotion has allowed abundance to flow to me.

Inspired by this experience, I decided to incorporate the lemniscate (or infinity symbol) into the cloak of my guardian doll to remind me of the perfection of all -- even those seemingly painful places in life -- and how they serve to guide us to a place of balance.

Gentle One

My Guardian is nearly complete and she's such a peaceful presence.  I've created her to be hung and am listening to know where she might want to perch herself to watch over me. 

An interesting piece came up for me while I sat with the process of creating Guardian.  As I've been taking a deep look at my worthiness and affirming this for myself, Spirit wove into my life an opportunity to be more clear about my knowing.  When I journaled on this, I heard Guardian gently whispering Truth to me.  It's good to have her here.

Guardian

I'm in the process of making a Guardian doll who will stand as a symbol of protection, support and compassion as I proceed on this path of using doll medicine as my healing mode.  I journaled about  Guardian and know that she has the essence of earth and grandmother, that she holds deep wisdom, that she has open helping hands and a peaceful expression.

I've spent part of today making her face and hands.  I ran out of sculpey of one color and needed to use a second color, so have decided to paint the pieces so they'll blend -- probably best anyway as I didn't quite like either flesh tone with my fabric.  I've sampled some paints against the earth green I intend to use to see which feels good and am planning to paint tomorrow.

I honor the beginning of my process and am grateful to Barb Kobe for her good work in creating a curriculum that guides me and others in a clear and intent-filled way to do our healing.  Thanks, Barb!

Medicine Doll Journey

I'm very excited as I've just signed on to participate in Barb Kobe's Medicine Doll on-line class.  Barb has a great story which she shares at her website.  If you're at all interested in dolls, you must visit her site;  her creations are beautiful and hold such wonderful messages. 

This class will involve doll-making as well as journaling to walk the healing path.  As words are not coming as quickly as images in relation to my emotion, I'm feeling this is a great direction for me.

One of the exercises I was asked to complete was to take photos of me expressing different emotions.  I'm going to make a series of dolls out of them, having the bodies express the emotion that's on the face.  So, I've transferred my photos onto fabric using freezer paper (and they turned out great, I might add).  Next, I'll sit with each photo and sketch a body expression to go with it -- then I dive into my fabric bin!

Grace

Her name came to me last evening as I was sitting in my women’s circle.  This doll’s birth was filled with sadness and as she came into form, her being was bland and empty. 

I felt emotional working with her, so I decided to set her aside and spend some time journaling.  I had finished her body and painted her face and she sat naked and fairly lifeless on top of my dresser for a week.

I spoke with her daily through my writing.  Then she underwent a transformation.  First it was the headpiece. Then she wanted clothes that were joyful and glitzy, and she asked to have her face redone.

Her message to me is about perfection and grace in life. Though I’m currently taking a close look at parts of my life that bring me sorrow, these same parts of life are rich and glitzy – and full of grace.  This sadness and richness all mixed together are the perfection, the wonder and the magic of life. 

I’m grateful for Grace and for her message.