Anne Heck

Complete in This Moment

My unraveling doll now has a face.  She still has no hair; in fact, the back of her head reveals an exposed styrofoam egg.  She tells me she’s complete.  It’s a good message for me – helpful to be reminded that this moment holds our ‘completeness.’  There are still layers to peel away revealing more of our hidden beauty, still parts we’d like to change or embellish and sometimes this moment doesn’t look ‘pretty.’

I’ve been working on a relationship lately that hasn’t looked pretty; the holidays will sometimes bring such things to the forefront.  Examining this more deeply offered me some wonderful teachings about how to accept this moment as it is, how to appreciate my present experience and how to stay out of ‘story.’

We can easily manufacture a script about how things went down.  It’ll be different for all concerned and it will never contain much truth.  Such stories are created in our head. With focus there, we’re bound to experience more agitation. We get closest to the truth when we can focus on how we feel in the moment, let it flow through us and if hearts stay open, the greatest truth is revealed - that of love.

My chest was aching last week – excruciatingly so.  My children had been sick with chest colds, so it crossed my mind that I could be getting sick.  However, I took the time to do a Healing Touch session with myself.  This was also a time to check in with my body and ask what it needed.  I got a clear message that this wasn’t about contracting a cold; rather, it was time to heal a very old heart wound.  Synchronistically,  I had scheduled a meeting with a friend to read my Akashic record.  Had it been the dentist, I would have canceled it so I could rest, but I arrived at the appointment knowing that it would offer me deep healing.

The session was emotionally riveting and brought to my awareness some of the beliefs I’ve set up for myself that don’t serve me.  At the same time, it offered me the opportunity to do some ceremony around letting go of how I’ve done this particular relationship, accepting it as it is and loving where I am in it.  My chest pains passed with the act of ceremony. 

In many ways, I feel complete, though the back of my head may be exposed and I have yet to see the vibrant colors pulsing in my chest.  Now is a good place to be and I’m full knowing myself in this complete ‘now’ moment.

Exquisitely Embellished

This past spring, my mom and I made plans to attend a week-long class together this fall.  The class, instructed by Rosemary Eichorn was entitled Fabric Collage and Exquisite Embellishment and it took place at Campbell Folk School in Brasstown – a tiny and beautiful valley village in the far western region of North Carolina. 

I’ve just returned from that trip and it was a scrumptious week, each day packed full of new inspirations and opportunity to work on our own creations – the perfect getaway for two women wanting to fully explore the depths of their creative visions.

It was not only our creations that became embellished.  I realized that I was embellishing myself – enhancing and beautifying those inner spaces that so often call out to me to taking time to be present with myself and create. As well, delicious and healthy homemade meals were prepared for us 3 times daily and accommodations were warm and comfortable. I was deeply nourished by the experience.

Though I do devote moments to creating, a whole week provided me a decadent amount of time to dive deeply into what was wanting expression ~ and dive I did.  My collage was a representation of the ocean depths ~ with a mermaid and an octopus.  Interestingly, octopus medicine is about flexibility and agility -- certainly something I'm looking at with my recent injuries and pursuit to be more fluid in my body.

It’s with much gratitude that I return home refreshed, inspired and exquisitely embellished.

 

Passion

I've been tucking in during this windy cold of winter and am grateful for the inspiration to keep the flow of creativity moving within me.  Though that seed that yearns to sprout is snugly nestled, it's still most certainly being fed with the vibrancy of life. 

As I work with textures, mold colors, add beads, buttons, ribbons and lace, I'm reveling in the lusciousness of seeing my current passion take form.

And as it manifests as tiny stuffed hearts, it also manifests as these words . . .

Passion

So full
Boldness flows from my being
Like leaves from the maple
On a windy fall day

Strip my soul
Unveil my innocent branches
That I may sway impassioned
Vital in my vulnerability

Open to life's mystery
With potent honesty
Tapped from my heart
Sweet flow of wisdom

I who have censored
Pure essence
Now robust
In my innocence

I am the voice
Worthy and clear
In this forest
Listen

Compassionate Mother

I've been working for over a year on this dear one -- I pick her up and dream with her, then lay her down for a time.  

Her skirt is made of layered bright cottons with alternating layers scallop-beaded on the edge.  Her scarf is hand-knitted with mohair and some glitzy art yarn.  Her face is paper clay covered with cheese cloth and painted with acrylics. Her hair is wool roving.

She's required some inner work on my part for which I'm very grateful.  She came first in a vision.  I've journaled with her and have appreciated her teachings about being gentle with myself, about knowing my truth and trusting my inner voice and about being present with what is.

I recently completed her  (though I already sense another stage to her development).  Her completion came just before attending my 4th level of training for Healing Touch; her presence there was powerful and deeply healing.

This one I hold close to my heart and I'm looking forward to our walk together.

Creative Constipation

I've been feeling a hint of resistance to my natural creativity lately and my dear friend Elizabeth challenged me to come up with some creative expression of this.   This is my creation . . .

I’ve got oodles of fabric
Hand-dyed yarn and bright floss
Colored pencils and ink stamps
Metal foil to emboss

I’ve got brushes and journals
Pastels and some beads
No art store on earth
Can supply all my needs

Ideas, dreams and images
Fly all about
But I can’t seem to get
Even one of them out

I’ll try this new pattern
I’ll study her art
Oooooh!  there’s inspiration ~
 . . . One petite fart

Just this one bit of movement
Can influence, ya know
So I’ll sit myself down
And I’ll visualize flow

I can feel the twinge,
The restriction and pain
I will sit here determined
This can’t be in vain

Okay, I can see it
And its color is wood
I can feel it emerging
And it’s gonna to be good

Running into my workshop
Now surrounded by stuff
There I stand feeling freer
There I stand in my buff

In this naked free place
I feel myself drawn
My creative expression
Is like the sun at its dawn

I will no longer hesitate
No more hint of “I can’t”
Out with the laxatives
They’re not for Rembrandt!

Fertile Earth

I've just begun an online class with Susan Sorrell entitled Fertile Earth.  I decided I wanted to begin the new year with stretching myself creatively and this feels like the perfect fit.  Our first assignment is focused on veggies and I chose corn -- symbol of abundance.

So, I'm rolling my corn in paint and all over fabric and covering this same fabric with shiny threads and textured layers and glitzy beads. 

Susan's teachings encourage me to feel my way outside the box and into the next natural step.  I find myself inspired with the flow of my creative self, not looking outside for a recipe or pattern, but feeling colors and textures wanting to express from within and going with it.

No telling how this will turn out, but that doesn't seem to matter.  In this case, my experience is teeming with lush, vegetative, fertile earthly abundant fun.  This moment -- yes, that's what matters.

She Who Shines

I participated in vision quest in mid-August; here I spent 4 days and 4 nights on a mountain without food and water.  My experience is not easily put into words.  What I can share is that this experience touched me more deeply than I anticipated and kindled in me much greater self-trust.

In preparing for quest, I was inspired to create a doll as a gift for my teacher who supported me in such a good way.  As I played with her coming into form, she began to whisper to me that she was an expression of my light, and her name became "She Who Shines Her Inner Light."

Her presence is strong and full, her belly bulging with a sense of self.  She stands tall and opens her arms to embrace all that is. 

There was a sweetness in gifting her to my teacher as I felt I was sharing with her the gifts she had given me with her loving support.  I have deep gratitude for the ceremony of quest, for the way it opens us to infinite possibility and for the strength and resolve of our inner light.

Playing with Color

Color is magic.  Perhaps this is so because colors can combine in infinite ways or perhaps it's simply that they can so quickly inspire me.

My daughter Liza has been mixing potions lately.  It usually begins with color -- all our food coloring mixed into water.  And then there are green leaves and brown dirt and some pinches of white sand.  

She was inspired today to turn cloth different colors.  Fortunately for both of us I had a selection of old dyes in my craft bin, so we sat and ripped fabric into pieces and chose our favorite colors to play with.  I mixed dyes and Liza stuffed the fabric into the bowls with plastic spoons.  Then we hung the colored fabric outside to dry in the sun.

Liza was thrilled with the colors and instantly had ideas about how she was going to use the fabric. I, too, began to fantasize about how to combine tiny swatches to create a rainbow.  It's likely that these pieces will be tucked into a toy box or will be incorporated into my fabric stash. 

What I love is that it only takes a peek at the color and I, once again, experience magic.

Lightness of Being

My doll-making journey has paralleled my recent musings on the feminine.  One of my latest creations has brought me messages about the mystique and beauty of being female.  Her name is 'Cinder' and as may be apparent by her photos, she's very perceptive while being a tad mischievous.  Cinder came to me after I visited the darkness of my scapegoat and I'm still reveling in her lightness of being.

Cinder is teaching me the value of staying light, of not taking myself too seriously, of dancing to the mood of the moment and being playful.  Part of what she's here to teach me is how to fly.  Interestingly, her wings have gone through several iterations and she tells me they're still not quite ready for take-off.  I'll revisit this when the timing is right.

Meanwhile, another doll is coming through to support me in balancing my masculine and feminine aspects  -- the Compassionate Mother.  This one is taking time and patience and I feel her overflowing with light and love.  Stay tuned!

Cultivating the Feminine

Over the course of my life in general and more intimately over the past few months, I’ve observed the degree to which I identify with my masculine nature. It’s been my tendency since early childhood to live up to expectations of my father and society’s masculine-oriented expectations of success.  In many ways, I’ve walked what I felt was the ‘more respected’ path, often dismissing my own feminine desires as ‘wimpy’ and ‘unworthy.’

I'm aware that it’s not the case that this rejection of my feminine nature resulted from being violently raped; perhaps it’s more likely that incident was predicated from my conceding to our cultural belief in feminine powerlessness.

With this awareness, I’ve been experiencing some anger and loss and am seeing part of the path before me as a quest to heal this feminine wound.  In my quest, I’ve been resonating deeply with the Native American Flute.  I made a bamboo flute last year and fell in love with the process.  This past December, I happened to express my interest to my dad and he decided to run with it.  He's quite skilled as a woodworker and though he knows little about music, he's been spending the past month crafting native flutes.  I visited this past weekend to take part in the process.

As I move into this space with greater respect for my feminine nature, I'm profoundly aware of those places that I have, in the past, plowed through life only desiring an outcome, how I mistook this moment as unworthy compared with product or result, how I severely undervalued the power in simply being with what's before me.  As I embrace these more flowing aspects of my nature and allow my intuition to take precedence, I'm beginning to understand the power inherent in the feminine.

It feels timely that I'm creating flutes and also a blessing in many ways to have my father by my side.  I'm grateful for being shown this way to embrace the balance of my wholeness. 

I'm anticipating some sweet flowing music.

Solstice Reflection

Dollmaking continues for me and they're coming in all sizes and shapes.  What's more, those that are appearing feel light - a perfect match for winter solstice. 

This little woodland fairy was inspired by the work of Salley Mavor.  I made a little cotton draw-string bag for her to live in and gifted her to my friend Miriam who runs Drum Song Sanctuary in Chapel Hill, NC.  Last week, I drove to Drum Song to take part in an Arapaho Sweat Lodge Ceremony. This ceremony is one for cleansing through sweat and prayer; it gave me an opportunity to be clear about what I'm no longer wanting to carry.

Cleansing seems to go hand-in-hand with this solstice time of the sun's rebirth.  I watched the sun rise this morning and stated my gratitude for new beginnings.

Cleansing is also in sync with my desire to create  -- to put outside of me that which desires to come out.  And my creative urges seems to deepen in proportion to the depth of cold that surrounds me.  We had a winter reprieve this past week with some near-70 days and I was out on the hiking trails, but as old man winter came knocking this morning, I felt myself drawn back into journal pages and fabric swatches.

Curiosity Abounds

This fall is full of new beginnings.  My youngest has begun kindergarten and as we've been together since her birth, this parting has brought about big changes to my days.  For the first time in 9 years (since the birth of my first child) I have consistent time to follow my heart.  Much of my time right now is filled with doll making which brings me lots of joy.

In addition, I gave up a piece of my identity this summer.  Realizing that the survivor story no longer resonated with me, I felt a real need to lay it down.  This may seem like a small act, but it's changed my perception of who I am and has opened me up to many possibilities.   As well, it's brought about a wonderful curiosity about what each moment has to offer and I find myself feeling giddy at times with the surprises that come my way.

So, I'm in a refreshing place -- one full of wonder and possibility and a lightness of being.  A friend told me this week that she feels my fairy friends are weaving magic to herald this new beginning in my life.  This feels true for me.

These are photos of one of my newest buddies (design inspired by Sarah Jones) . This one is innately curious and has some things to teach me about the wonder of each moment.  I haven't yet gotten its name, but it sits on my desk and definitely has a knack for keeping me light.

A Visit from the Fairy Realm

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been participating in Barb Kobe’s Medicine Doll Journey in which I’ve created dolls to facilitate my healing.  This experience has offered some profound opportunities for growth as I’ve worked through several iterations of my scapegoat doll and finally reached the depths of my fear.

The next portion of Barb’s process is about creating a talisman that personifies the strengths that I wish to walk forward with.  I’ve done some journaling and sketches, but this one has not fully  materialized.  Instead, what has come is a visit from fairies . . . so I’m indulging in bringing these beings to life.

My first fairy was in the fashion of Salley Mavor and was both easy and fun to create.  Her form is from a pipe cleaner wrapped with embroidery floss, clothes from felt that is hand-embroidered and wings and skirt from silk flower petals.  Her hat, of course, is an acorn top.

I've not done extensive journaling with this one.  What I do get is that the fairy's message is about the importance of lightheartedness.  I have lots of gratitude for the joy I experience as I bring these beings to life.

Embracing the Fear

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live. ~ Dorothy Thompson

I've been sitting with my Scapegoat doll - Fear - for nearly a month now and have developed a deep gratitude for her presence in my life.  As she whispers to me, I let her know that I'm listening, and that I'm taking care of her.  She's helped me significantly in my ability to discern my inner voices and to know with clarity when fear is wanting to control my actions.

What I've realized is the depth with which she operated my life.  The overwhelming fear that I experienced in being beaten was internalized for many years, and only after my case was brought to court 4 years ago did I begin to loosen my armor and allow my emotion to emerge.

I'm amazed at the ease and peacefulness that I'm experiencing now.  Granted, I still have much to heal, but it's been enormously freeing to get this piece up and out and to know that she - Fear - is not who I am.

I'm grateful for having a relationship with Fear, rather than identifying with and acting out of it. 

I embrace this one for the gifts she has offered on my journey

Fear Exposed

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.  ~ Marie Curie

I've just completed my Scapegoat as part of Barb Kobe's Medicine Doll Journey.  This portion of the process is about making a doll that symbolizes your pain and offers you an opportunity to embrace your struggle.

It's been challenging for me to do this piece.  What came up first in my journaling process was a feeling of shame and emptiness;  I made a scapegoat based on these feelings as well as some of my sketches and I posted it in February.

But then I dreamed another doll which was, I feel, a deeper dimension of my first scapegoat; it was filled with fear.  So, for the past 3 weeks, I've been purging these feelings through my hands to create this Scapegoat. 

I've been sitting and journaling with her for a couple days and am developing a deep compassion for her. 

I feel she embodies the terror I felt upon being beaten and raped.  Her arms are bound, her legs are liquid -- as if she doesn't quite possess them. 

As I've brought this one into form, I've had the opportunity to look fear in the face and to understand so much of my experience over the past 18 years. All good and very rich, just not where I choose to become stagnate. 

I'm especially grateful for releasing this fear and for the gentleness of this medicine doll journey.