My son was recently home for fall break. While here, he happened across a doll I made several weeks ago. This one, named Painbody elicited a response of “ooh, this makes me feel yucky inside.”
She made me feel yucky too, which is why I hid her, thinking she was out of sight.
When she came in a vision, I knew she had something valuable to teach me, so I pulled out my clay and began molding her into form - a black pelvis with a nail piercing her hip.
This doll is unlike most others. The pretty ones are easy to share, to post pictures on facebook or write about on my blog. This one I chose to edit out.
Of course, then I began to question my editing. Was I doing this to protect others? Was I only willing to share uplifting images so I could receive warm fuzzy responses? Was it too personal? Too dreary? What judgment had I placed on it that caused me to keep it hidden?
Whenever something pushes my buttons, I know I have something to learn; it’s a reminder to become curious. My resistance wasn’t going to reveal anything; clarity would come only with my willingness to embrace what this doll had to share.
So I created some space, sat Painbody before me and opened my journal to converse with her. This process I do through non-dominant handwriting. I ask the questions with my dominant hand; the doll answers through my non-dominant hand.
I was surprised that my first dialogue with her was not in the form of questions; instead, I found myself directing anger towards her - anger about all the ways the pain she represented had disrupted my life. And I didn’t like her responses - which I knew on some level were true and just pushed me further into resistance. So I attempted to find common ground - a starting place where I would be less reactive and more receptive.
And I learned. I learned that my body holds as much ease as pain; that I had chosen to focus on pain. Hmmm. Why had I not considered focusing on ease? I learned that ease of movement comes from allowing sensation to move through, not focusing on where it’s been stuck. I learned that resistance had become a pattern for me because I held fear about participating freely and possibly losing control. I also learned the importance of doing a gut check on my resistance and letting go of judgment in order to be open to the deeper message.
What happened next is the pain I had held for 2 years shifted. It no longer showed up as that nerve-pinching, gut-wrenching, piercing sensation. Instead, it felt sore and I felt tired. These were much more welcome sensations, to be sure. Did my learnings create this shift? Had it already occurred and then caused the attraction of this doll? Fun questions to swim in the head perhaps, but I attribute the shift to the magic of paying attention, honoring current dreams and visions, listening closely and taking action when called.
I’m extremely grateful to be handed such beautiful pieces that may not appear as such. Next time I find myself editing out, I’ll be sure to pause and listen. It’s likely I have something to learn.