I've been laboring over my Scapegoat doll for 2 weeks now -- journaling, sketching pictures, feeling really uncomfortable with the process, losing sleep, spinning my wheels. And I've completed her. She's nowhere near eye-candy, but I connect with her in a deep, heart-felt way.
This week I discovered a part of me that feels it's been frozen for years. At age 26, I had a perception of being invincible and all being well -- I really trusted life's process, albeit in a naive way. When I was raped, my sense of true joy and freedom became unreachable -- hidden behind my fear of experiencing pain again.
My scapegoat is named is Mesh Mess. The interplay of empty and full have been ever-present in this process. The wire mesh represents my feeling of missing out on being able to hold any essence of fullness -- it's my feeling of emptiness. I've made a smiling mask on half of the face to show my exterior mirage of all being joyful - full of life, while my interior landscape is that of unworthiness, lack and shame. I whisked some paint onto the mesh in colors that felt appropriate and I stamped words on clay, fired them and glued them to the mesh surface.
She does seem a mess and yet has already shown me that she's really just needing love and compassion. This is not a doll I'd hold as the wire mesh is very prickly and hurts my hands, but I'm certainly connecting with her through my heart.
Yesterday morning I journaled with her and she sent me this poem:
Emptiness and Fullness came together for a day.
Bleak, silent void of Empty did not know what to say.
Overflowing with abundance, Full grabbed Empty by the hand;
And led her off to play in her imaginary land.
Drained of joyful emotion, Empty sat down in her path.
This, of course, seemed funny and Full began to laugh.
Tears welled up in Empty's eyes; her chest began to heave.
So Full sat down beside her, allowing her to grieve.
Full held Empty in her arms, watched the tears that had no end.
Then she realized the irony she saw within her friend.
Why, Empty wasn't empty, she was really FULL of tears,
And just needed to express the pain she'd held for all these years.
And she needed Full's compassion at this time when all seemed bleak.
So Full held Empty close and wiped her teary cheek.
At this moment, Empty melted in the kindness she received
And found that she could feel not so heavily aggrieved.
This healing moment gifted Empty with a valuable life tool
And it helped her to know that she too could feel full.
The sad unworthy feelings Empty now could rise above
Because she was connected with what she knew was love.